And Then The Sky Opened Up
by dreamgoddess'92
Summary: "So uh, it's been a while," he began lamely. Truthfully Sam wasn't sure who he was talking to. God had pretty much abandoned them; their trip to heaven had proven that much.


It's kinda hard to explain where this fic came from... okay maybe it isn't really, but I feel like I was praying through this (if that makes any sense). I read another fic a few days ago and then after I was done crying, I started typing. Takes place after "Dark Side of the Moon"

I don't own Supernatural and even if I happen to make a deal with a crossroads demon one day, it wouldn't feel right.  
>(It'd be cool though)<p>

Enjoy.

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><p>It had been a long time since Sam prayed, granted didn't think anyone would begrudge him that. Closing his eyes, Sam took a deep breath in and focused all this thoughts on the feeling that used to fill his heart before he'd kneel beside his bed in the middle of the night.<p>

It was different this time however, because Sam felt utterly and completely alone in the world despite his big brother's presence not far away.

Dean and Cas were supposed to be inside the motel room doing only God knew what and Sam wasn't going to intrude on their moment. Sam always felt like an outcast whenever his brother and the angel were together. He didn't want to admit it, but sometimes jealousy would churn in his stomach like a poisonus acid whenever Castiel would show up to preoccupy Dean. It was like he was standing in this large shadow that eclipsed his existence.

The angel's presence caused a bittersweet reaction in Sam's soul; he both wanted Castiel's approval and fought to prove himself worthy without it. Leave it to Dean to gain an angel on his shoulder while armies of demons surrounded Sam.

Looking up, Sam saw familiar stars strewn across the dark sky, not a single cloud in sight despite the heavy feeling in the air. It was warm, so when he let loose a tired sigh it was invisible, yet anyone who heard it would clutch his or her heart for reasons unknown.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Sam opened his mouth and let the words flow carelessly from his lips; their weight poignant on Sam's raw tongue.

"So uh, it's been a while," he began lamely.

Truthfully Sam wasn't sure who he was talking to. God had pretty much abandoned them; their trip to heaven had proven that much. Sam briefly wondered if other angels could hear him. Would his words reach Cas? Sam's brow crinkled as he frowned: He sure hoped not.

Last thing Sam wanted was his brother's heavenly boyfriend to be listening in on his moment of weakness.

"To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm even doing this. My faith has been deteroriating for years now, but there's something comforting in believing someone gives a damn enough to listen to the prayers of an abomination."

Sam paused, listening for the sounds of people approaching or eavesdroppers on his private moment. Maybe praying out loud outside a Podunk motel wasn't the smartest idea Sam had ever had, but he couldn't find the strength to give a damn.

What'd he care if some stranger listened to the desperate pleas of a madman; a boy who's hands were soaked with blood both innocent and evil.

Sam leaned against a rotting wooden pole and continued to stare heavenwards. The stars acting as guidelines for the words bursting forth like a geyser.

"I remember when it was so easy for me to pray. I'd wait for Dean to fall asleep and then ask for Dad's safe return or Dean's attention if I felt left out. Seems silly looking back, some of the things I prayed for, but I was young and selfish enough to feel cheated when I didn't get what I wanted."

Sam chuckled under his breath, feeling foolish.

"I… I've messed up pretty bad, but you know all about that being God and all." Sam ran a quick hand through his messy hair and felt something inside him break as he replayed the day's events.

"Dean's lost faith and so has Cas, which you have to admit is pretty bad. I mean if your own child gives up on you… what's left?"

Sam cleared his throat and clenched his fist around the amulet he snatched from the trash. Leaving that behind would've crippled him worse than the demon blood withdraws.

If he was going to wake up in the morning feeling remotely stable, he had to continue. Sam could feel the raging emotions bubbling in his gut like nitro; volatile and unpredictable.

"I don't know what to do, maybe I never have and with everything's that happened…" Sam trailed off.

"I wonder if this is how Dean felt when Dad told him he'd have to kill me. With me egging him on every chance I got; Dean must've felt alone with his determination not to follow through. Dean vs. the world: Now there's something that feels entirely too familiar for my tastes," Sam chuckled but it was hollow and it made his gut twist.

Sam's thoughts felt jilted and unfocused. There were so many things he wanted to say and he was desperate for someone to listen. He had a lot to apologize for, but the real person he wanted to talk to shied away from such confrontations and was too busy losing faith in him to care.

Sam mentally berated himself for those bitter thoughts: It wasn't like Sam had given Dean any chances to believe he deserved his trust. He shuddered as he recalled Ruby and his addiction, which lead to the end of the world.

Everything Sam did was twisted into something evil and he was sick of it.

"Why me?" Sam ultimately asked, feeling a fire fill his veins as he defiantly stepped away from his brace and glared at the stars.

"Can you give me that answer? I believed in you, prayed to you, and tried my hardest to fight what coursed through my veins. I died because I wouldn't kill a man even though I should've. I did what I thought would save Dean and ultimately the world and yet it was useless. Why do I have to suffer for something I can't control? You think I asked for this curse? You know I didn't!"

Sam was shouting at this point and instinctively knew someone would come to investigate, but no one did.

Sam tried not to be too disappointed in the fact Dean didn't rush out to see what had Sam riled up, but maybe Sam deserved that desertion.

He knew he did.

"I should've even be alive! Why'd you let Dean make that deal huh? Everyone would be better off if I had stayed dead; or better yet if I had never been born. Was this part of your master plan? Who needs the plague when Sam Winchester walks the Earth?" Sam spat out bitterly, heart aching like a black hole as he pictured his mother. He could see his dad drinking deeply from a beer bottle after a rough hunt; drowning himself in memories of Mary whom Sam had killed the second he'd been conceived.

When no one answered him, Sam felt the anger drain out of his body, leaving behind an emptiness that'd been gnawing at him for months, maybe even years. Sam briefly wondered if he was born with pieces missing and if he'd die never knowing what everyone else felt instinctively.

The closest Sam felt to being complete was when he was with Dean and for a short period of his life with Jess. Sam was willing to bet his soul that if Dean had come with Sam to Stanford and he'd had Jess, he would've known peace the likes of which he'd always dreamed of.

Sam felt cheated, but that was nothing new.

"I guess maybe I've deserved it all, hell I'm lucky I was given Dean. Sometimes I feel like he's more than I deserve. Jess too… I guess I have you to thank for letting her grace touch my life when I was so lost. Sometimes I think I loved her like Dad loved Mom, which is why I've accepted the fact my chance for an apple pie life died a long time ago when I saw her burn."

Sam's heart beat in his chest with each inhalation of dry air Sam took. He looked down at his feet, feeling tears burn his eyes as he forced the next words from his constricted throat.

"I'm not going to make it out of this alive am I?"

Again there was no reply, but Sam could feel it in his bones that there was truth in his assumption.

"Figures, I've fucked up enough so I guess I'm not that upset about it. There's just one thing though and if there was ever a time for you to hear me, it'd be now. If I fail or die fighting the monster I could become, please let Dean survive. It may seem like a harsh thing to wish upon Dean; we all know how well he handled my death last time. It's different now though. You sent Castiel to save my brother and now Dean literally has a guardian angel. Maybe you were listening to me when I was younger after all," Sam shook his head and closed his eyes in an attempt to staunch the flow of tears.

"If Cas is with him, Dean won't be alone so he won't do something stupid like try and bring me back if I die again. I think he's more afraid of being alone than he is of losing me, but I could be wrong. We're both so tangled in each other, I'm not sure if we could really live separated by the veil of death. I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good thing or not."

A warm breeze filtered its way through the partially filled motel parking lot and Sam felt his spirit lift for a brief moment, but it died with the winds."

"I can't promise I'll succeed in fighting off Lucifer, but you probably already know that. In fact you're five steps ahead of me and probably find my entire speech meaningless, not that I'd blame you. I barely believe in myself anymore, so why should you?"

Sam rubbed a tired hand over his wet eyes and sucked in a deep breath before letting it out slowly.

"Just… can I get a sign here? Something to let me know I'm not completely despised by a world I've been trying to save since Dad gave me a .45? I just… I need to know someone's listening. I need to know that if everything goes south that someone knows I tried; that I wanted to be better than the demon blood in my veins. Please?"

Sam's voice broke with his last plea and he suddenly felt so weak he feared he'd collapse on the hard ground.

He wasn't evil, he was trying so damn hard to be better than some prophecy made him out to be. Sam could hear his detox demon's spearing him with their words of disappointment and hatred.

"Please, I can be better I promise. Just give me a chance."

Sam's sobs were silent, but his body shook with tremors resembling a 8.0 earthquake. Sam felt like he was falling apart and the world was watching in pity at his display of weakness.

Then, as Sam slowly pulled himself together by tiny threads of his tired soul, he heard a fresh crack of thunder and then the sky opened up.

Rain crashed upon the warm earth in a display of sheer violence that left Sam breathless. Winds howled and lightning flashed across the starless sky. Seconds ticked by and Sam watched the storm lighten ever so slightly before taking hesitant steps from under the makeshift shelter into the cold downpour. It was like balm on his many wounds; some of them buried so deep Sam didn't know they existed.

He held his arms up, eyes blazing with a fire awakened by the unexpected storm, and he cried tears of relief and hope.

"Thank you! I promise I won't give in, I'll make you proud; make Dean proud. Thank you," Sam choked on the water falling down and the raw ache in his throat from his bitter tears.

Sam began to laugh loudly, and for the first time in what felt like years, carefree and unburdened by the darkness in his life.

"I'll have faith enough for the three of us," Sam promised quietly and basked in the glory of the cool water, unaware of his audience.

Dean watched in awe at his brother's transformation and felt the aching in his heart, caused by Sam's desperate prayer, lessen with each passing second Sam baptized himself in the rain.

"Cas, what was that?" Dean asked as the storm died down as quickly as it had arrived.

The angel's eyes were locked on Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood as he grinned upwards beautiful and broken at the same time.

"I'm not sure Dean, but I'd say Sam got his answer and that's enough for me," Cas replied still shaken by the blatant display of divine intervention so to speak. Maybe it wasn't God, but someone upstairs heard Sam and felt his pain.

Castiel heard Sam's prayers before Sam began to speak and broke away from Dean's attentions to listen to the younger Winchester. Dean followed and it took all Castiel possessed to keep him quiet and hidden as Sam spoke darkly about his existence and possible destruction.

Castiel said nothing when Dean's eyes grew blurry with unshed tears. Sam's words evoked powerful emotions in them both, and obviously they weren't the only ones.

Sam's hands fell to his sides once the stars came out. Looking at the sky, one couldn't tell there had been a torrential downpour just moments ago.

Drenched and suddenly exhausted, Sam sent a silent addition to his spoken prayer that made Castiel's eyes widen, but he said nothing when Dean questioned him. Suddenly Castiel saw what the undying goodness deep within Sam's soul that made him believe for a second that Sam would indeed save the world and he felt a pang deep inside when he realized Dean was loosing sight of that. He could feel the weakening faith Dean held for his brother, but there was nothing the angel could do.

Cas nodded at Dean in farewell, he had much to ponder before returning to the Winchester's side.

Dean slid back into their room and waited for Sam to come back inside, pretending to be asleep. He was unsure of what he'd say to Sam after hearing his soul pour from his body like blood from a wound.

By the time Sam finally did come in, twenty minutes later, he was grateful to see Dean's back facing the door. He didn't wonder where Castiel had gone; the angel rarely stayed once they turned in for the night.

Changing quickly, Sam slipped into his bed and smiled lazily at his brother's back before whispering one last sentence, more for Dean than God or the angels.

"I won't let you down again. I promise,"

Dean blinked away his tears and eventually drifted off; the sound of rain hitting the pavement once more lulling both the boys to sleep.

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><p>It's scary how well I can relate to Sam and I feel much better after I've written something revolving around him.<br>This was just what the doctor ordered, because once I finished it I felt like a load was off my chest.

I'm really beginning to feel comfortable writing Supernatural so I hope to write more in the future.


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